At a couple of my early meetings, there was a sign that said, "The measure of a man's anxiety is the measure of his distance from God." Since, at the time, I tended to put the most pessimistic interpretation on everything, I looked at that sign and thought it meant that I had something else to feel anxious about, being damned for being full of anxiety. Now I see it quite differently. Since it is obvious that nobody this side of the grave is sitting in God's lap, I guess a bit of anxiety is natural and nothing to feel anxious about. There have been a few news stories this week about someone who is described as having "battled with alcoholism for 30 years." My first thought was that we surrender rather than battle. Then I thought that we surrender to alcohol and just steer away from it, and I guess what we do with alcoholism could be discribed as battling. At least that is a lot better than surrendering to alcoholism and battling with alcohol, as we now know from personal experience that we could never win that one, but stand a pretty good chance of keeping alcoholism backed up in a corner even if it will never surrender unconditionally and stop fighting us. I no longer consider alcoholism to be an enemy, although it is certainly not a friend. In fact, I would rather live with it than other people I know, and it does at least keeps life interesting and keeps me doing the things I have found I have to keep doing to stay sane and sober. I remember once listening to a tape on which the speaker said something about St. Augustine, which may actually be true. After a very misspent early life, he became a saint and his Confessions are still read by many for inspiration. It seems someone once said he must have wanted to find Heaven very badly to have made all the changes he did in his life. His reply was that he was just backing away from Hell and that's where he ended up. A few years ago, I could not agree with people who got up at meetings and said they were glad they were alcoholics. Does anyone say they are glad they are bi-polar or schizophrenic? But now I would agree. Being alcoholic has led me to AA and God and keep pushing me along the road of spiritual growth. I now even find my alcoholic quirks a bit amusing. I recall a woman here who said she used to suffer from insanity but now kind of enjoys it. A member here has says, "If you can learn to laugh at yourself, you have a lifetime of entertainment." I recall a famous quote from a Pogo cartoon, we have met the enemy and it is us." I have found that there is little to fear in life and reality in that almost all my fears have been irrational, unlike the rational fear that keeps me driving sanely, sometimes referred to as False Evidence Appearing Real. Among other things, meetings and the other things I do to stay sane and sober keep me grounded in reality. As long as I am comfortably grounded in reality, there seems to be almost no chance that I would get uncomfortable, discontent and crazy enough to drink again. |