I tend to think of blame as being at least a close cousin of resentment, with the difference being that I think of resentments as grudges against people, poison someone swallows expecting someone else to die, while blame can be attached to situations and systems as well. When I came to AA, resentments were a big problem and I was given a prayer to say for those I resented that I still use if the need arises, as it does after they get big enough to see in spite of the blind spots that often cover them. Over time, I have come to see how silly resentments are. There are assholes all over the world, and I suspect that God insures that they are spread fairly evenly between races, creeds and nationalities. I have finally gotten to the point where I no longer want to strike back at them, although I would prefer to avoid them where possible. I now figure that they probably suffer enough by going through life as assholes. One thing that blame and resentment have in common is that I place responsibility for what I do or are on someone or something other than myself. One seeming contradiction in AA is that we say we weren't really responisble for what we did while drinking and didn't know we were alcoholics, but then we end up making amends where possible. The way I see it, we weren't responsible, at least for many things, but we still have to do something about feeling responisble. There are lots of people damaged by disfunctional families and unfairness in society, but we really can't get far unless we take responsibility for what we do. We need to become self-supporting, accepting that we reap what we sow, living life by values, morals and principles. I just saw a movie that had a line that went something like, "There is a big difference in values between you two. She has them." If I blame politics, organised religion, capitalism or even the weather for things I don't like, praying for them may not be the answer. Until fairly recently, I thought that one slogan that should be up there with "Easy Does It" and "Live and Let Live" would be "Shit Happens," although I had to admit that "Acceptance" probably covers it. Since then, one of the most useful things I learned from email AA was when someone said that it isn't really shit that happens. Life happens, and I only see it as shit if my attitudes are a bit off. People, situations and systems can do harm in the world, and may be worthy of blame, but they are only my problem if I can somehow prevent that from happening. If not, it is better to leave that to God, or whatever arrangement for a moral universe you happen to believe in. I once heard someone say that, "If you pray for patience, God may give you a cranky neighbor." There seems to be little danger that He will run out of those. |