Day 48, “The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You trade in your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask” -Jim Morrison I’ve had this mask for as long as I can remember. Shit I’ve been wearing masks for as long as I can remember. I try to show my face as often as I can, but everything inside of me knows what kind of man I am. I’d like to say I don’t front, but I seriously don’t show the brunt end of my bat when that comes to up. I don’t let you have it, when have it you should. What good would that bring? I don’t sing at the top of my lungs, when that’s the feeling brewing. I certainly don’t lash out at my loved ones when that’s what’s truly stewing. I’d love to chew out every single rude dude that brings their crude mood to my cash machine, instead, I throw the mask on and pretend it’s not happening. I wash my face of a scowl and replace it with complacency. A face you don’t deserve, but one society’s embedded tastefully. See, I don’t mind the mask except when it masks my mind. When it’s on because of reflex and not a choice in time. It’s the distinction between when and when not, that the struggle is at max. It’s the difference between an indoor voice, and the choice to blast back. I know within me, my goal is in the middle. To riddle thought about what glance you caught…reality or really just a little. On my day to day tip, I’ve been wanting to write a little more. Take time out of my sometimes busy schedule to get back to something that used to really make me smile. I was once brimming with pride in my writing, now, now I just turn it away, that is when I actually do write. So, I’m sharing. On a side note, this isn’t my usual style of writing, but, since I felt stagnant with what I used to get up to, I thought I would try something new, more of a prose style. Enjoy. 01.02.09

Every Tuesday when we go to yoga, all the moms with toddlers break out the snacks for themselves and their children. We all sit around on the couches in the common area and trade tips and eat snacks. Since these are moms who take their children to yoga, the snacks tend to be very wholesome, earthy, as Tracey would say, granola. (I haven't seen any actual granola.) So any snacks I see there, I figure are pretty good for Maggie. My friend Shelley gave me the idea to make a trail mix of sorts for Maggie to have in her snack trap. There's the organic puffs, the Gerber puffs, yogurt melts, and organic dried fruit with more puffs. Ayla turned us on to veggie straws. I used to put Cheerios in, but Maggie started to drop those to the side whenever she eats her snacks. I decided that Cheerios would be offered at home, and the good stuff would be saved for the snack trap. Sometimes, I'll cut up grapes and cheese for snacks at yoga, too. Last week, one of the moms had kale. I can't stand the fishy taste, but Maggie might like it, and I know it's very nutritious. Since I make all Maggie's other food, I started feeling guilty when it came time to put the commercial stuff in the snack trap. I just don't know how to make veggie straws (which I wish I could, because they are way too salty) or puffs. I think even dried fruit would be tough, but maybe I could find a recipe online. I need to soon, though, because I think she's starting to develop an opinion about what she eats. Yesterday she turned her nose up at macaroni and real cheese with hard-boiled egg yolk and this morning she didn't eat all of her kiwi and oatmeal. They both sound good to me!