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In Mariposa peer counseling
work, issues of body image, self-esteem, sexual identity, and
sexual confidence have been central concerns for many young
men and women with disabilities -- concerns that impact their
lives and particularly their relationships in vital ways. Listen
to what one lovely and distinguished woman has written:
"Most definitely,
my disability negatively affected my ability to establish
romantic relaionships. To me, this loss is the singularly
most profound of the many other losses which are a result
of my legacy living with polio. Oh, yes, I had two husbands
and a number of boyfriends over the years but those facts
belie the underlying reality of a lifetime of romantic exclusion
and even ostracism. Despite being moderately
attractive, I was never invited to my high school prom,
never went out on a real date, was never invited to any
dance in high school, never had a high school boyfriend.
(Well, never one who would be seen in public with me.) This
same scenario repeated itself in college and grad school.
So . . . I worked on
success in other areas. . . knocked myself out to get great
grades, took leadership roles in everything and anything
extra-curricular, developed my personality, etc. But the
deep pain of feeling undesirable did damage big time and
even continues to this day."
Most of us are personally interested
in sexual attractiveness, for its importance in our society
for making personal contacts, establishing friendships, or even
meeting a potential future spouse. Many persons with disabilities
have grown up mistakenly feeling they could never be fully desirable
to others or truly sexually attractive, being disabled. This
has been a painful, insecure area even for many who were tremendously
competent and accomplished in many other ways. By the same token,
there is tremendous potential here for healing and growth and
empowerment. Hopefully this discussion may help some persons
with disabilities understand themselves differently and may
free them to express their innate sensuality and sexual identity
more confidently.
You might say to me, "I
don't care about being sexually attractive. I'm not interested
in getting married," or "I'm not interested in sex,"
or "I'm already married," or "I'm too old for
that," or whatever. Fine, but sexual attractiveness is
not only to "hook" a husband or wife or to seduce
a sex partner. The sense of being able to feel good about one's
self, and to feel that we create a positive response in other
people -- that we are attractive to them -- is often very important
to our self-esteem and confidence.
Beyond that, sexual attractiveness
is also important for our ability to influence others: to help
them, to persuade them, to gain their support and favor, to
convince or encourage them. Sexual attractiveness is empowering
for most of the things you might want to do. For example, as
a doctor, no matter how well I know my medicine, if I am thoroughly
unlovely and unattractive to my patients, I am far less able
to help them than if they see me as someone who inspires interest
and approval and attraction in them. (We may think that things
shouldn't be like that, but the truth is that they are.)
The business and commercial
world clearly recognizes its importance and invests hundreds
of millions of dollars in projecting images of sexual attractiveness.
We will say more about that later.
For persons with major physical
disabilities, sexual attractiveness is also a powerful means
to overcome damaging prejudices and negative reactions in able-bodied
persons, as well as one path to better self-acceptance and self-confidence).
Sexual attraction is surely
as ancient as Adam and Eve, but in these past few decades, the
pervasiveness of mass media has changed the ancient rules of
the game (and not probably for the better). Visual images have
become so cheap and widely distributed that we are saturated
with them. Visual and purely physical aspects of sexual attractiveness
have become over-emphasized and heavily stereotyped. We all
have "ideal" images of sexual attractiveness bombarding
us on every side. We can't escape them. From that comes a tendency
to compare ourselves, and to compare others, to the stereotypes.
We are grading people according to what they lack in comparison
to the stereotypical "ideal." Somewhere out there,
we are told, there must be a "10" in sexual attractivenss,
and the rest of us all score lower down on the scale.
Viewed in that perspective,
many persons with physical disabilities have special problems
with the idea of sexual attractiveness because they suppose
that they could never truly be considered attractive to others
with their limitations and their unconventional bodies. (How
many "points" must one subtract for a major disability?).
Over the years with Mariposa
we have seen two major problems, especially for people who have
grown up with their disabilities:
Often they feel inferior, whether
or not they are able to admit it openly. The typical statement
perhaps would be, "Why would anyone choose me when there
are so many able-bodied persons out there to choose from?"
It seems obvious to them that an able-bodied person would always
be more desirable, "all other things being equal."
Or to put it another way, it seems obvious to them that they
would be more desirable, more attractive, if they were not disabled
than as they are now. We have learned what a struggle it is
to learn -- to accept -- that this "obvious" truth
isn't necessarily true.
Secondly, they often feel unlovely.
There are many typical statements that reflect this deep-seated
feeling: "Who's going to look at me with my disability?"
"I can't wear skirts with legs like mine" (or "with
braces," etc.). "I could never wear a bathing suit
with my body." "Why should I try to dress up and look
good? No one will see anything but my disability anyway."
"Pretty? Me? From the neck up, maybe."
How does this happen? Who tells
us it what it takes to be sexually attractive? Where do we learn
that persons with disabilities can't really be sexually attractive
(especially because it isn't true)?
Far too often, disabled young
people learn to doubt their sexual attractiveness partly from
their own families. If the family looks at their disabled child
and fears he or she will never be able to be sexually attractive
because of the disability, they cannot help but communicate
that to the child in myriad ways.
But it's a lie. It is "The
Lie" about sexual attractiveness that equates sexual attractiveness
with stereotypical and flawless physical "beauty."
Who is lying to us? The Lie
is really a massive commercial conceit. We are everywhere presented
with images of "sexually attractive." A physically
attractive model who embodies the stereotypical characteristics
of the current "ideal," is "perfected" with
carefully crafted make-up, hair arranged precisely, and posed
in the approved ways with careful lighting and props. Of dozens
of photos, two or three are selected as closest to the image.
Those photos are then computer retouched to finish the process.
This "sexual attractiveness" does not exist in the
world. Even the super-model is only the raw material for these
images. They are lies, to support The Lie.
What is the purpose of The
Lie? It has no sexual purpose, or even any personal purpose.
The only purpose to make money. We are sold unattainable images
of sexual attractiveness to make us feel lacking and needy,
and then we are told that we can remedy our deficiency and become
more sexually attractive if we buy the right hair spray, soft
drink, automobile, designer jeans, etc. etc.
The Lie about what it is to
be sexually attractive is successful. It sells products and
influences decisions while it wounds people -- many, many people,
and not only persons with disabilities. Because people believe
it, The Lie enriches businesses while it impoverishes our society.
Part of my reason for being here is to call people with disabilities
to reject The Lie and live out the deeper truth of every person's
unique value and worth, not just for the good of disabled persons,
but because the whole society needs it.
It is incredibly dangerous
to believe The Lie about sexual attractiveness. Someone who
feels incapable of being attractive and desirable for others
has grave difficulties trying to achieve healthy intimate relationships
with anyone. This is often true for persons with disabilities:
We have seen them jump headfirst
into the first relationship that comes along. We have seen them
drive potential friends and suitors away by pressing much too
hard in their insecurities.
We have seen them stay with
unhealthy and even abusive relationships, for fear that no one
better would ever want them. They may put up with humiliation
and belittling treatment because down inside they share that
abased image of themselves. Just as tragically, we have seen
people mistrust and reject sincere advances of friendship --
and even run off worthy suitors -- by refusing to believe that
anyone could genuinely be sexually attracted to them or romantically
interested in them.
We have seen people expose
themselves to sexual abuse or fall into superficial, exploitative
sexual liaisons because they don't believe there could ever
be any more meaningful intimacy for them. We have seen women
with disabilities find ways to get pregnant without any commitment
because they wanted to experience pregnancy and motherhood but
were convinced no one would ever want to marry them.
We have seen disabled persons
carry their insecurities with them right into marriage, or stay
in free union and reject marriage, convinced down deep inside
that they are less desirable or less complete than someone able
bodied, always fearing rejection, or unable to feel free and
confident and attractive even in their marital bed.
In addition to all of that,
there is no counting how many friendships never came to pass
because the disabled person didn't do, or didn't know how to
do, the little things that might have helped someone overcome
the barriers that kept him or her from drawing close. It is
terribly destructive to believe the lies that say you can't
truly be attractive. | 