Tonight, I am drunk. Walked in the door. Walked in with with a buzz. so i did something i've always wanted to do in the spirit of honesty and confrontation with myself. i poured myself whiskey on the rocks in a coffee mug. a BU chemistry mug, to be more descriptive. so while i'm on my way back to drunk, i will let words fall out of my mouth, cos after all, my throat is slippery when wet. sometimes it should come with a caution sign. cuidad, garganta mujada. for those of you who speak spanish. my walk home was accented by a single song on repeat. a song that bring backs a period of my life to mind. a period of time i'm not so proud of. i time when i made many mistakes. the time around puberty. i still swear at myself for some of the choices that i made. but what i don't do, and what i don't acknowledge is the lack of guidance and protection in my life at that point. namely, the lack of parents. i never would have been making those decisions or have had access to the activities i did if i had present parents. or even A present parent for that matter. mom, dad, this is for you: i am fucking angry and disappointed and disgusted. i am blaming you for your lack of parenting. you should have been there for me. shit, you could have been there in body at least if you weren't there in spirit. but no, neither one of you were ever there. ever. you found your own lives more pressing. you found your hatred for one another more important than the lives and well being of your children. i etched these memories from my mind a year or two later and moved 90 miles away, pretending it never happened. puberty almost over, i "came of age." i realized how the world worked. and where i fit in or sometimes more importantly, where i didn't fit in...and schemed up a life plan. before i deleted you both from my life, i used to visit you in summers. until that one summer. i had put my bad decisions behind me and grew up into a somewhat responsible 14 year old with the help of literature and tv. i visited you because i still felt a bloodline running through my veins. i still visited you because i had some urgency to belong. i used to dream of reunions with my mom. reunions where i had earned enough money to support my family, and we all lived under one roof comfortably. that never happened. instead, family drama ensued...and once again, you let me down. you neglected me once again. again, i blamed myself for what i considered a bad decision. but the truth is, i never should have been put in that situation. a 14 year old girl should not have been left alone with two 28 year old men for an entire night in an otherwise empty house. someone should have been there. furthermore, someone should have comforted me the next day. or the day after. shit, someone should have noticed my odd behavior or my refusal to see certain people or my shrinking and shrinking into a skeleton. but no one noticed. and one day, i opened my mouth...only to be laughed at. i don't talk about it still. i don't identify it as it really was/is. this rambling of drunken words is the closest i've ever come. back to the present day and relevancy....i grew up with an urgency and strong desire to protect. to be there for those who have been neglected. to never neglect or abandon someone. it's gotten me burned. it's gotten me hurt. what i should have been looking for, what i'm looking for now (or trying to anyway) is someone to protect me. someone to notice. someone to care. a subtitle to this picture should read: the careful chemist hides behind calibrated drops.

Copper mug cleaned before and after. Please visit the blog for more information on ginger beer and mixed drinks using ginger beer.