Following is a response to an excellent question posted by a reader. I felt this question deserved a page all its own to address this issue:

If I disagree with you and the homosexual lifestyle does that make me homophobic? Depending on your answer you might be pointing the wrong finger, to me I get the impression that people that find that lifestyle unnatural are bigots and haters. Please can you clarify?

 

Excellent question, thank you for asking it!

I believe there are three issues we are really talking about here: disagreeing, disapproving, or hating.

Simply disagreeing with something means you would not incorporate it into your life. Just for an example, my best friend is very straight, and married with three children. Even if he was single with no family, he would never consider a relationship with another man because he is attracted to women and disagrees with the idea of a same-sex relationship - for himself. But if a same-sex relationship is in someone else's nature (for example, mine), then he is open enough to love and accept that person for who they are. In his now multiple experiences with gay people, in witnessing the horrible struggles we encounter, he is soundly convinced that being gay is not something you have a choice about. He says that societal pressure, discrimination, harassment, double standards, and abuse are more than enough to ensure that if you had a choice, you'd choose to be straight. I can vouch for these things from personal experience. This friend sees my wife and myself as equals, respects us and our permanent committment, and not only approves but is very happy for us as a couple and is quick to speak up for equal rights for gay people. But he disagrees with homosexuality for his own life and never incorporated same-sex relationships into it because it's not in his nature. I fully support what is natural for him, just as he fully supports what is natural for me. This is full support and tolerance without agreeing that it's right for you.

Disagreeing with someone else being gay is disapproval, which is something different. But first I should point out that since you've called it the "homosexual lifestyle," you have already made the assumption that it is a choice. This is the heart of much of the debate out there about homosexuality. Some people believe it is a choice, while others believe it's not. True, it is a choice whether or not someone acts on their feelings for someone of the same sex. But I don't believe those feelings are a choice any more than I believe a straight person sits down one day and "chooses" to feel attracted to the opposite sex. Have you ever turned down dating someone of the opposite sex because you simply did not feel any "spark" there? If so, you know that no matter how hard you try, you can't force yourself to feel attracted to them. If people insisted that you have a relationship with that person anyway and try to force yourself to be happy, or that you don't deserve a fulfilling relationship at all because of how you feel, and they were going to persecute and harass you if you didn't do what they said, you'd probably feel it was very unfair and be very unhappy. I know it may be hard for a straight person to understand how we could feel the way we do, but when you try to tell us who we should be happy with, we go through the same thing. It's really hard for us when people who have not had to deal with these things insist that, since they feel readily attracted to the opposite sex, we should somehow be able to force ourselves to feel the same way. It's all easy to say if you haven't been through it. This is intolerance of people who are different from oneself, the definition of bigotry. So in answer to one of your questions, yes, I would say this is bigotry, one form of homophobia. Disapproving of others being gay is passing judgement, something I believe only God has the right to do. That said, having these personal beliefs while still continuing to treat gay people respectfully and kindly and as equal human beings, and urging others to do the same, is still different from being a hater or hatemonger.

There are different degrees to which someone will take their beliefs. There is a difference between personally believing other people should not be gay vs. preaching hatred, discrimination, and/or violence. Unfortunately, for some people this line is blurred or doesn't exist. The brutal murders of people like Mathew Shepard, Billy Jack Gaither, Allen Schindler, Brandon Teena, and Harvey Milk, to name only a few of many, are proof of that. Anyone willing to present gay people as less than human, less than deserving of rights and fair treatment, responsible for all society's ills (statements like "destroying capitalism" or "destroying the fabric of American society" - and if you think about it, those are pretty vague accusations - what problems specifically are those expressions supposed to be referring to, anyway?), or responsible for the ills of straight families ("breakdown of marriage" in straight people is not caused by gay people, it is caused by adultery, abuse, abandonment, or substance abuse of the straight people in those marriages), is guilty of hatemongering and contributing to hate, discrimination, and violence. Well-meaning (at least, I hope they're well-meaning!) Christians getting in gay people's faces and telling them they're damned and that they're going to hell is fostering self-hate in gay people, which will not only fail to bring them around to a Christian perspective but will likely only succeed in embittering them toward Christians and Christianity in general. Since it is based in intolerance and fosters hate, I believe that this too is hatemongering. It is also this kind of preaching that motivates many gay teenagers to kill themselves. The trouble is, when you preach hate, you never know what people will do with that hate. That's why hating is so dangerous.

I believe everyone has the right to their own opinion. But intolerance of others just because they're different is harmful and wrong, and spreading hate and encouraging violence are inexcusable. I understand that there are varying degrees as to how far someone will go to carry out their beliefs. Not all straight people are intolerant. Not all intolerant people are hateful. Not all hateful people are violent. But anything less than full support for gay people's equal rights, equal treatment, and equal pursuit of happiness risks feeding into the intolerance, hate, and violence that are already rampant.