Gay "Flaunting?"

When a straight couple holds hands or kisses in public, and anyone notices, it is a beautiful affirmation of their love for one another. When a gay couple holds hands or kisses in public, it is "disgusting," and they are "flaunting their sexuality," "promoting the gay agenda," or "advertising." When a male speaks of where he and his girlfriend went Saturday, he is engaging in small talk, discussing his weekend. When a female speaks of where she and her girlfriend went Saturday, she is "pushing it in people's faces," "militant," and a "man-hater." And many men see her as "a waste." A waste of what, exactly? Uh-oh. I suspect that delving too deeply into that question may leave us with an all-too-clear picture of how those men really see women. Let's just say I suspect they're not worried about her soul.

Gay "Recruiting?"

What fallacies are involved in the recruiting theory? First of all, in order to attract new recruits to any group, one must have incentives to join. The armed forces, for example,offer job training, money for college, and life skills. What, then, would be the incentives to become gay? The rejection of family and friends? Expulsion from one's church? Condemnation, hate, name-calling, and constant harassment by the general public? Job and housing discrimination? Second-class treatment by the government?

If we gays have something to offer to "reel people in," I wouldn't have the faintest idea what that might be. When I personally was desperately wrestling with my own gayness, I didn't know anyone who was gay. I felt like I was the only one in the whole world at the time. I felt terribly alone in my struggle, and I desperately didn't want to admit even to myself that I was gay, because I had a good idea what kind of pain that kind of admission would bring. And I was absolutely right. My parents went off the deep end and blamed themselves, most of my friends didn't relate to me the same way any more, I could no longer attend the Southern Baptist church I was attending, I was afraid of losing my job if my boss found out, and suddenly all the "faggot jokes" were much more noticeable and painful to me. So what was my incentive, then? There were none! I only had one motivation, one that I've never been sorry for: I am now being true to who I am and what I feel inside, instead of living a lie trying to be what society would prescribe for me. It's the only thing that makes it worth enduring the societal harassment, and there are no more bells and whistles than that. Other than that (and my wonderful wife), there is nothing that being gay or the gay community at large could possibly have to offer me that would make it worth the hassle.

But there is more to this recruitment thing besides the lack of incentives. Like the fact that straight "recruiting" is not noticed or is considered "normal" ...but if you were do the same things with a gay perspective, you are an evil sexual predator trying to corrupt our society. For example, if we include sexual orientation in high school sex education classes for the purpose of teaching tolerance to the straights and self-respect to the gays, we are "indoctrinating" and "recruiting" children. But by that time, those children have been exposed to years of active heterosexual "recruiting." Yes, most definitely. By everything from perfume and jeans and shampoo commercials to well-meaning aunts commenting that their two-year-old nephews are going to be "ladykillers" to teasing 8- and 9-year-old girls about boys. By the time they reach high school, our children have been literally bombarded with years of programming and indoctrination of the "heterosexual lifestyle." So are we afraid that homosexuality is so appealing that simply acknowledging its existence to them and teaching against hatred will cause them all to become gay? We're not that insecure about heterosexuality, are we? Some people apparently are. And studies have proven that those who are the most vocally and heatedly anti-gay are in fact afraid of their own homoerotic feelings. These they repress by prosecuting others who are secure in their GLBT sexuality.

About fear of losing your job: When you work in a homophobic workplace, you have a choice between lying, pronoun-replacing, editing (sometimes to point of having to exclude everything: "What did I do this weekend? Oh, nothing"), or risking getting canned. You can't invite your significant other to company lunches, picnics, or functions, nor even mention his/her very existence. You must listen to damaging, disparaging remarks without comment or else risk arousing suspicion and getting fired, laid off, or harassed until you can't take it anymore and finally quit.

Lesbians are Man-Haters?

About man-hating: a small minority of lesbians actually do hate men, but then, plenty of straight women do, too. For one thing, society unfairly assumes that just because you are attracted to the same gender, it must mean you hate the opposite gender. So that if you're a lesbian, it's not because you are attracted to and fall in love with women, but because you hate men so intensely, you turn to other women in lonely desperation because they're all that's left. But this is no more true of gays than it is of straight people. You wouldn't say that a straight man hates men and that's why he is attracted to women. No, everybody knows plain and simple that he finds women attractive. How he feels about other men is irrelevant to his feelings about women. But for some reason, this simple fact doesn't seem to translate across when we're talking about gays and lesbians. However, if the "hate for the opposite sex" hypothesis is to hold any water, we must apply it consistently. How come gay men aren't automatically considered "woman-haters?" Certainly, if lesbians prefer women because of their intense hatred for men, then the opposite must be true. Again we find inconsistency and fear-mongering taking the place of good sense. And plenty of straight men hate or look down on women. How come we aren't just as quick to slap 'em with a "woman-haters" label as we are to label lesbians as "man-haters?"

Gay Parents Raise Gay Children?

Like most gay people, both of my parents are straight.  This didn't cause me to be straight because being raised by gay parents doesn't make you gay, any more than being raised by straight parents makes you straight.  There are now plenty of widely-accepted peer-reviewed studies by highly respected sources bearing this out.  Ignoring all of this for a moment, there's a lot more to this issue than meets the eye.

There was a time in my life when I was so afraid of what being gay might mean in terms of losing God, my family, and my friends, that I tried very hard to convince myself and them that I was straight.  I wrote more about this on the "Why This Website?" page, but suffice it to say that during that time I had a son.  More often than you'd believe, when he was younger, I've been asked, "Are you teaching your son to be 'like you?' " I always said, "To like women? Yes I am." I find it downright unbelievable that people would ask that! What kind of a question is that? But I'll tell you, with all the heterosexism, prejudice, and violence directed towards gays, "teaching" him to be gay (as if that were possible) would be like teaching him to touch hot stoves. What kind of insane, unloving parent would encourage and direct their child to grow into society's hate? Especially after experiencing that hate firsthand him- or herself? You'd have to be out of your mind or just plain cruel.

Yes, I encourage him to be true to himself. He happens to be heterosexual, but if he hadn't felt strongly predisposed in one direction or the other, I as a loving parent feel it would have been my duty to encourage him to seek a female life partner. Not because I hate myself or am ashamed or have some kind of problem with being gay, not because I have internalized homophobia, but simply because life is a whole lot easier if you don't have to put up with the ignorance and bigotry out there. That's it and that's all. I've had people back away from me as if I'd just informed them that I have the bubonic plague when they learned that I'm gay.  My wife and I have had people yell things out their car windows at us, and we ran to our car for fear that they would stop and come beat us up. I've even had people ask me how I felt about bestiality. Sometimes I swear that the reason people are so afraid is because their minds are sick and twisted and perverted, dreaming up disgusting things I wouldn't even think of! What kind of a cruel and heartless parent would purposefully channel their child into a life full of hurtful experiences like that? What kind of person do you have to be to think gay people want that kind of pain for their children? Wake up.

I am head-over-heels in love with a woman so wonderful, I still can't believe I'm the one lucky enough to share a lifetime with her. That doesn't trouble me, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Being gay, in itself, feels natural and causes me no pain or grief. No, what causes me pain and grief is putting up with the ignorance and nasty remarks, fear of job discrimination or being beaten up by gay-bashers, being judged by the gender of the person I love instead of by my character or by how I treat other people, the fact that our marriage will be ignored and devalued by the government, having to file our taxes separately, and being in the hospital (which used to happen to me several times a year for many years) and having them refuse to let her see me because she's "not family," in spite of the fact that if she were my male partner, there wouldn't be a question! I am so tired of heterosexual people getting preferential treatment! And yet when push comes to shove, I still prefer for my son to get that same preferential treatment if he has a choice, rather than endure the garbage people pull on you when you're other-than-straight.