Get yourselves comfortable boys and girls, lend me your ears, I have a tale for you that could have even the most devout atheist amongst us questioning their beliefs. Last Thursday night, a new miracle worker landed on earth. Armed with mystical abilities, this new messiah went about his business with an effortlessness that almost undermined the magic he was concocting. Witnesses have remained mysteriously tight lipped about the incident....until now

Let me set the scene for you. They say it’s always calmest before the storm and that Thursday was no exception. It was a charming Spring day, the sun bathed us with its warm rays, the birds chirped happily away, young children laughed and flowers blossomed. There were 7 of us to grace the Meares practice nets this fateful Thursday afternoon. The fortunate 7 included Scott Haines, Robert Ashton, Patrick Butler, Mark Griffith, Ben Doherty, Rick Western and of course myself.  

Soon to become part of world cricketing folklore, 6 of the 7 were yet to realise that the day was their date with destiny, a moment so profound that it would change their outlook on the world forever. One eyewitness has already been quoted as saying ‘there was a supernatural feel that day, a sense that this was the work of a higher power. There is no doubt in mind that some divine unseen force was at work’. For 2008 years, 10 months and 30 days the earth had not seen a phenomenon of this magnitude. For the rest of their lives, these 6 unsuspecting bystanders will always refer back to this one special moment as the turning point in their dreary, mundane and ultimately pointless lives.

But enough of the superlatives, with the hysteria at uncontrollable levels, it’s time that all is revealed so we can revel in the dawning of a new era. At approximately 6.38 pm 30^th October 2008....

I clean bowled Robert Ashton.

As Dean Cain says on Ripley’s Believe It or Not... ‘Don’t believe it?.....believe it!’

Nicholas Roper Hildebrandt.... just a quiet and humble 21 year old from Melbourne with a knack for a good line and length and a heart as big as a horse. Compare this to my opposite number, Robert Ashton, a loud, brash and aggressive 34 year old who alienates all he comes in to contact with, and is known as the heartless tyrant of the OSCC. The moment has become a bit of blur, but as I ran in to bowl, everything began to go in slow motion and next thing I knew it all went to black. When I awoke from my black out, the stumps were strewn across the ground (snapped in half) and Asho was sitting in the corner of the nets in the foetal position muttering quietly to himself whilst sobbing. Pat Butler then tried his best to console Asho for 5 minutes as the others questioned me about this witchcraft that I had just pulled.

So, how did I do it? They say a magician never reveals his secrets, however for my devoted minions, who will now unofficially crown me the new best player at OSCC I can give you the setup up to the trick, but not the actual magic involved (known as the ‘Prestige’)

There are 6 phases that need to be completed before you have the ‘chance’ to get Rob Ashton out. Even then it is still a wait and hope for celestial intervention to fill you with the necessary ability. Anyhow, here are the 6 phases

1 – Pepper him with full-tosses. Asho doesn’t respect anyone as a bowler, it doesn’t matter if you were Glen McGrath or Shane Warne. As such, this leads him into a false sense of security before POW!, right in the kisser.

2- Taunt him. His quiet arrogant demeanour is all a facade. Underneath, his mind is screaming ‘doesn’t Hilda like me? why is he saying all these nasty things about my ageing 30 year old body’

3-  Bowl after he has just dispatched Butsy for 4. Asho gets no more happiness than smashing his roommates rubbish pies and as such he is extremely vulnerable after riding this wave of self satisfaction.

4-  Click your heels 3 times and repeat, ‘there’s no place like home’.

5- Believe in yourself. You can do whatever you put your mind to.

6- Point 5 was me being facetious. You are hopeless and you don’t have even half the ability of me. You tried your hardest and failed miserably, the lesson?....never try.

So there you have it ladies and gentleman. With the mystery solved I hope you can all go back to living your lives in the knowledge that the second coming of Christ walks amongst you (well mainly above you).  Til next week..