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November 18th Essay

 
 
Class 07-1
 
Essay corrections:
 
 
Looking at Paragraph construction:
  • Topic Sentence
  • Concluding Sentence
  • Paragraph Transitions
 
This is Qian Ting's Essay.
 
 
 

Text Box

Suicide the major cause of death among young People

Chinese Association of Mental Health shows that suicide has become the No. 1 killer of the Chinese youths.  Many teenaged boys as well as girls are inclined to kill themselves.  Some frustrations, a transitional society and unwilling to discuss feelings all contribute to this phenomenon.

About half of the boys and 57% of the girls surveyed said they had suffered from loneliness for a long time. Many had problems in sleeping and so on.  All these derive from transitions, pressure from all aspects of society and some frustrations in love etc. Thereupon we should take action to prevent this unpleasant phenomenon.

In my opinion, we should give freedom to the students.  I think it is the most important thing.  We should let them do anything they'd like to do.  And also we can give them moral classes to educate them.  As a student, we need to relax and try to release from the burdens.  So our society as well as our schools should lighten our burdens and care more about students especialy the adolescents.

183 words
 
 
In the column on the right is what I did to it.
 
I took the information provided and re-wrote it.
 
Notice that it now has;
 
  •  An introduction
  • Separate Paragraphs
  • A  Conclusion

In the Rewritten Essay 
 
The Topic Sentences fall into two categories:
 
  1. A. The Association says  & 
  2. B. The Report Says
  3.  
  4. C. Firstly &
  5. D. Secondly.
There is no need for the transition in the concluding sentence.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
In this ReWrite:
 
The Paragraph construction does not follow the Transitional "order" we discussed in class.  It is following another process.
 
 
 

Text Box

Suicide the major cause of death among young People
 
 
Introduction:

The Chinese Association of Mental Health says that suicide is the major cause of death among young People.
 
Paragraph A.

According to the Association suicide has become the No. 1 killer of  Chinese youth with both boys and girls inclined toward it. Some of the reasons given, include: General frustration with life,  the difficulties of living in China's transitional society, and an unwillingness to discuss their personal feelings with family and friends.
 
Paragraph B.

The Report indicates that of those surveyed, about 50% of  boys and 57% of  girls said that they had suffered loneliness and depression for a long time. Many indicated that they felt under severe Educational and social pressure; were frustrated in love, and had problems sleeping. 
 
Paragraph C.

What then can we do to help young people cope with these problems?  Firstly, as both a young person and as a student, I think that we should begin to give young people a little less pressure and a little more freedom. Rather than confining their lives to a strict regimen, we could allow them a little more recreational time.
 
Paragraph D.
 
Secondly, as we all know,  'idle hands make the devil's mischief', so it is necessary for us to give  young people counselling and guidance in coping with their freedom. They should be given not only pertinent instructional education on the issue of personal and social morality, but accessibility to professional services, and we should be paying closer attention to adolescent social and sexual development, as well as to moral instruction.
 
Conclusion:

 
In order to avoid an epidemic of suicide in this country, we must assist the Students to relax and help ease the burden of pressure on their lives. We as a society and schools as institutions, should be doing everything in our power to help them become happy and stable individuals. 

306 words
 
 

NOTE:
 
 
The rewrite above was based solely on Qian Ting's Essay - not on the originally read report from which Qian Ting's essay was written.
 
I noted the points that she made and then used compound-complex sentences to construct better and more concise paragraphs.