Student One: Topic Japan:
Paragraph 1
Firstly Note that - An onsen (温泉?) is a term for hot springs in the Japanese language, though the term is often used describe the bathing facilities and inns around the hot springs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onsen
So to use Onsen and Hot Springs is incorrect.
Sentence 1:
Japan is famous for its electronic industry, cartoon and Mount Fuji, hot springs are also famous scene sites there and there are several historical sites, such as Taga Castle, Tadaiji Temple, Atomic Bomb, etc.
This sentence contains a lot of facts, but they are put together in an incorrect way. The word cartoon for instance, stands on it's own and so is not qualified in meaning. The words 'Atomic Bomb' are also unqualified and leave the reader wondering what the writer means.
Every paragraph has a theme or topic. Within this sentence the themes are:
Industry (Electronics Industry and Cartoon Industry)
Hot Springs (mentioned but expounded upon in Sentence 2)
Scenic Sites (Mt. Fuji and Onsen)
Historical Sites (Taga Castle and Tadaiji Temple & Atomic Bomb?)
So let's try to refashion the sentence:
Amongst the many things for which Japan is famous, are it's Electronics and Cartoon Industries; Historical Sites such as Taga Castle and Tadaiji Temple; Mount Fuji, and a variety of Hot Springs which in Japanese are called 'Onsen'.
Notice that I put the 'Hot Springs' last! I did this because the second sentence in this paragraph is going to discuss the topic of Hot Springs.
The 'TRANSITION' between ideas in this paragraph occurs more naturally when we put the statement about 'Hot Springs' in front of the discussion about 'Hot Springs'.
and a variety of Hot Springs which in Japanese are called 'Onsen'. At the mention of hot springs, I know that Japan has many hot springs which can provide physical therapy with reasonable price for people to spend their spare time and Yudanaka Onsen Hot Spring, Echigo Tuzawa OnSen Hot Spring are well known to us.
Note now that the introduction of Sentence 2 is now useless. Let's Refashion the sentence.
and a variety of Hot Springs which in Japanese are called 'Onsen'. Yudanaka, Echigo Tuzawa, and many other OnSen's which are well known to us (Chinese People?) provide physical therapy at a reasonable price, and so people like spend their spare time there.
Final Result:
All I have done here is make the two sentences 'coherent' and 'logical', by rearranging some grammar. That does not mean that this is the best paragraph in the world, but it does represent the thoughts of the writer is a more grammatical way.
Please take time to read again the page entitled: Errors in Essays. Note the Boxes on the right side of the page. What makes any writing "Good"?
Student Two - Japan
Paragraph 1:
Japan, which is located in the Pacific Ocean 115 miles east of the Korean Pennisula, with a population of 125.2 million, stretching 3777.8 square kilometers, is famous for it's Sakura, Mount Fuji and its hot springs and there are lots of historical sites such as Tokyo Bay Aqualine, Yokohama Landmark Tower, Kobe Islamic, Historic Monuments of Ancient Kyoto, many great person in Japan's history are come from these places, for example, Akira Kurosawa and Yasunari Kawabata, they made contributions to Japanese religious especially to Buddhism and Shinto, these two are the major religions in Japan.
Facts:
Statistics
Located in Pacific Ocean
115 miles east of Korean Peninsular
Population 125.2 million
Land Area 3777.8 Sq. Km
Famous sites:
Sakura
Mt. Fuji
Hot Springs
Tokyo Bay Aqualine
Yokohama Landmark Tower
Kobe Islamic ???
Monuments of Kyoto
Famous Persons
Akira Kurosawa
Yasunari Kawabata
Religion
Buddhism
Shinto
There are 15 points here and they appear to have been written into ONE sentence or perhaps TWO.
You only needed a total of 24 points for the whole essay.
Statistics
Located in Pacific Ocean
115 miles east of Korean Peninsular
Population 125.2 million
Land Area 3777.8 Sq. Km
Famous sites:
Sakura
Mt. Fuji
Hot Springs
Tokyo Bay Aqualine
Yokohama Landmark Tower
Kobe Islamic ???
Monuments of Kyoto
Famous Persons
Akira Kurosawa
Yasunari Kawabata
Religion
Buddhism
Shinto
I must point out here that my writing is based on the information provided in the student's essay, so I don't know how factually correct this last sentence is.
FINAL RESULT:
Japan is located in the Pacific Ocean 115 miles east of the Korean Pennisula, with a land area of about 3777.8 square kilometers and a population of 125.2 million people. It is famous for it's 'Sakura' (Cherry Blossoms), a variety of Hot Springs called 'Onsen', Mt. Fuji, and many historical sites such as the Tokyo Bay Aqualine, Yokohama Landmark Tower, and the Monuments of Kyoto. Two renowned historical figures who came from [these regions] the Kyoto Region, Akira Kurosawa and Yasunari Kawabata, made great contributions to Japan's two major Religions, Buddhism and Shinto.
Note:
Mt. Fuji was moved in the sentence to follow the Sakura and Hot Springs, because it acts as a transition into the Historical Sites Section.
We Have 3 Sentences with 15 pieces of Information in one paragraph.
COMPOUND-COMPLEX SENTENCES
The exercise as set required Compound-Complex Sentences. The sentences I have provided above are not Compound-Complex sentences but it would not take much to make them such.
Japan is located in the Pacific Ocean 115 miles east of the Korean Pennisula, with a land area of about 3777.8 square kilometers and a population of 125.2 million people.
Japan is located in the Pacific Ocean 115 miles east of the Korean Pennisula, and it has a land area of about 3777.8 square kilometers and a population of 125.2 million people.
Sentence 2 would have to be broken down into two sentences in order to correctly create a compound-complex sentence.
It is famous for it's 'Sakura' (Cherry Blossoms), a variety of Hot Springs called 'Onsen', Mt. Fuji, and many historical sites such as the Tokyo Bay Aqualine, Yokohama Landmark Tower, and the Monuments of Kyoto.
This is just one sentence but it is stretching the grammar somewhat!
It doesn't really matter to me if you (strictly) succeed at creating all compound-complex sentences - but I need to see the effort to do so.
High exp
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