Luo Laoshi Class Notes

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Essay Errors 07-3

 
 
 
 Essays:
 
Topic Sentences,
 
Concluding Sentences and
 
Transitions.
 
 
My purpose this time was to check that you had topic sentences, concluding sentences and transitions between paragraphs.
 
Basically I discovered that most students were not even using multiple paragraphs, let alone introductions or conclusions.
 

 Introductions:
 
 
Introductions should:
  • Attract the reader's attention
  • State the main idea.
  • Page 144 of your book.
  • Page 146 gives you examples of introductions.
Many students provided no proper introduction.  In Fact, if you look in the Textbox on the right hand side about 'context' you will see that many just started writing, without any real indication as to what the essay was about.
 
The introduction may be just a sentence or a small paragraph.
 
If you wrote a heading/statement as the Topic name, then you could just read that and it would act as the Introduction.

 Sentence Structure.
 
There are different types of Sentences - so use them all.
 
It is obvious from the Essays that students are not spending the time to think about the construction of more complicated sentences.
 
If you had planned an outline of the Essay, then you would already know what points would be included in each paragraph, and you could have worked on them just like you did in your introductions, and could have created many more 'Compound-Complex Sentences'
 
Read again about Outlines HERE.

 Paragraphs have Purpose:
 
Each paragraph is like a new topic.  It has a purpose!   If you do an outline of your essay, you would know what the purpose of each paragraph will be.
 
Many students are just writing and writing without seperating the essay into paragraphs.  Be aware of the core idea of the paragraph and create a new paragraph when the transition occurs from one core idea to a different core idea.  [I will provide some examples later in the right hand column.]
 
Within each paragraph there is a solid core of ideas.  We should make up a list of what things we are going to put into that paragraph.
 
Categorize things. P. 181 of your book.
  • We should first of all make a complete list of the things to be categorized.
This is saying that when you know your topic, you have to make out a list of things that you want to write about and then put them into some sort of order.  We have covered this.
 
Another way to say this is, that you must have an outline of what you want to write.
 
Very few students are preparing an outline.  See page 132 of your book.
 
Whether you are writing a whole essay or just a paragraph, you need to have categorized what you will put in it, and where within it you put those things.
 
Take nothing for granted!
 
Explain Carefully your ideas!
 
Imagining:  [P. 167 of your book.]
  • Only by imagining that we are writing to inform others can we feel strongly that we should fully explain to the readers the ideas and materials that are still new to them.
Don't presume anything when it comes to writing.  In the right hand column there is a section about introductions that lacked context.  If I had had another teacher read and correct your essays, that teacher would have had no idea what articles, newspapers and texts you were referring to.
 
 
Paragraphs are not Isolated from each other.
  • Sentences should be tied together through transitional devices to form a coherent paragraph.
  • The same principle also applies to the relationship between paragraphs.  Paragraphs should not appear as isolated blockis of thought.
  • Isolated Blocks of Thought  P. 172 of your book.

Common Problems.
 
No clear introduction
No clear concluding sentence
No paragraphing
Mixing of Verbal Tenses
Bad Spelling
 
The biggest problem is that students are not doing an outline. As a result, the thoughts expressed on paper are all jumbled up.
 
Do an outline:
 
Work out what points go together and in which paragraph they will go.
 
When you have finished your essay, go back and work on your sentence structure.
 
Check that there is logical order in what you have written
 
Check to see that it makes sense.
 
 This link will take you to the article on 10,000 word essay which is all about  OUTLINES.
 
 

Text Box

 
Good Essay
 
Just a Few Problems
 
 
Title: Suicide the major cause of death among young people.
 
Introduction: Suicide is currently the most common cause of death among Chinese people between the ages of 15 and 34. / As we all
(No Break to Paragrah)
 
Para 1: As we all know, the youth are playing an important role in the future of China. so we should pay much attention to this serious problem to change the situation. [what is the problem?]
 
The problem with this paragraph is that the grammatical construction  indicates that 'we should pay attention to the problem of youth playing an important role in the future of China.'  It should read:  Because our youth are going to play an important role in the future of China, we should be paying attention to the serious problem of 'teen suicide'.
 
Para 2: There are many causes that resulting in this situation.  Some of the leading causes are pressure on individuals in a transitional society, frustrations in love, a cultural unwillingness to discuss feelings and the lack of channels for exploring one's identity. /  In addition,
 
 
Para 3: In addition, (should be : 'additionally') most young people who have committed suicide have experienced some types of mental illnesses, with many having experienced major depression or bipolar disorder, because (2 sentences) Because they generally have poor access to medical issues and also lack the abilities to communicate their emotiuons in the times of personal crisis, they have never been diagnosed with this illness.
 
 
Para 4: So all the Chinese people should get together to control this situation.  The government should take measusres to create food environment for young people's growing.  Schools and parents should emphasize the mental health education and take good care of them. / If we do these,
 
Concluding:  If we do these, the youth will grow better and China will have a brighter future.
 
(There are some spelling errors in this.)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Text Box

Grammar errors:
 
Chinese Association of Mental Health show that suicide.....
  • [The Chinese Association of Mental Health has shown that.....
  • The Chinese Association of Mental Health says that....
  • Research by the Chinese Association of Mental Health shows that.....]
 There are many reasons about it.
  • [There are many reasons for it.
  • There are many factors which cause it.
  • There are many causes of it.]
I hope the number of suicide will smaller and smaller.
  • [I hope that that number of suicides will decrease.]
(Suicide) So what reason lead to this result?
  • [So what are the reasons for a person to commit suicide?
  • So why do people commit suicide?
  • What are the causes of suicide?
  • So what reasons are given for people committing suicide.]
 

Text Box

Lack of context


Here are some opening lines of some Essays.  There is no proper introduction.  We are left wondering from the first words, what this essay is all about.
 
After reading the text, I think family influences children very much during their whole life.
 
[What was the text?  What is it about?  What is the actual topic?]
 
From this paragraph we can know that nowadays sex crimes by minors are increasing.

[What paragraph?  What was it about?  Was the article about sex crimes or was that just something that happened to be in it?]
 
As the newspaper said:.....
  • [As the China Daily newspaper says.....
  • As reported in China Daily.....
  • According to one newspaper....
  • As newspaper reports indicate...]
  

Text Box

Good introductions

1.  It is reported that more and more sex crimes have occured in many place these years.    [It is reported that sex crimes are on the rise in China]

2. Sex crimes committed by teenagers are becoming more and more serious today.

3.  With the development of our society, more and more people have a tendency to suicide.   [As our society is developing, more and more people are suiciding.]

4.  Suicide has become the No. 1 killer of Chinese people between the ages of 15 and 24.

5.  Suicide has become a hot topic in China.  The Chinese Association of Mental Health syas that suicide is the No. 1 killer of Chinese people between the ages of 15 and 24.

6.  The Chinese Association of Mental Health has shown that suicide has become the No. 1 killer of Chinese people between the ages of 15 and 34. What is worse is that most of those who killed themselves were teenagers.

7.  Nowadays, more and more teenagers are suffering from pressure, loneliness, and exhaustion, and many of them end up committing suicide.

 

Text Box


No Paragraphs in this.

Suicide has become the No. 1 killer of people today. Many of the people who killed themselves were teenagers and teenage gils resort to suicide more easily than boys do.  / Nowadays, many factors can cause suicide. Such as loneliness, pressure on individuals in a transitional society, frustrations in love, a cultural unwillingness to discuss feelings and the lack of channels for exploring one's identity. / To protect them, we should establish a safe environment and schools should pay more attention on it. /Parents and teachers shouldn't watch over them all day, we should give them enough space for themselves.
 

Introduction: Suicide has become the No. 1 killer of people today.

Para 1: Many of the people who killed themselves were are teenagers and teenage gils resort to suicide more easily than boys do. 

Para 2: Nowadays, many factors can cause lead to suicide. Such factors might include:  as loneliness, pressure on individuals in a transitional society, frustrations in love, a cultural unwillingness to discuss feelings and the lack of channels for exploring one's identity.

Para 3:  To protect them, teenagers, we should establish a safe environment for them and schools should pay more attention on it. to students and their emotional states.

Conclude: Parents and teachers shouldn't be watch over them all day, we should give them enough space for themselves. to feel free from pressure.

 
 

Text Box

A Paragraph has a central idea.
 
I think there are following reasons.  Firstly, we have too much pressure. With more population and less work chance, we students must work harder in order to get a good job.  Recently the global economic development isn't very good and many people lost their jobs.  In some areas, like Africa, people starve to death because of lacking of food.  Secondly, we are lack of communication modern people emphasis independence.  They have the contempt feeling to talk with others.  They prefer to write it down rather than tell their parents or teachers. So when they meet problems, they can't solve them correctly.
 
One paragraph has the FIRST idea and the next paragraph has the NEXT idea.  These were two paragraphs written as one.
 
 

Text Box

Good Introductions Grab People's Attention.
 
 
The introduction might be short and sweet or longer and more detailed, but it must grab people's attention and let them know what the essay is going to be about.
 
China today has many social problems, especially among minors, and sex crimes and suicide are very common.
 
Very good introduction. (Unfortunately her essay had no conclusion. heheheh)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Subpages (1): Appendicies