Value” as a word can mean different things to different people. Let us shortly outline what is meant with values in this context. Shiv Khera said values are the beliefs that withstand the baba test and the mama test. Baba test means that values are the beliefs that you’d gladly pass on to your children. Mama test, in turn, refers to the set of beliefs you could easily tell your mom.

I disagree with this description, no matter how half-humoristic, witty and simple it is. Values have nothing to do with you passing them on to your children. Though it matters in what kind of environment you are brought up, your value system is still individual. The real values that you have deep inside are not the same as your father’s values. However, the values that you portray before you crystalize your own values might well be someone else’s. This happened to me. I was still sweet sixteen or seventeen when I sat down with a Friend of mine to discuss these deep beliefs for the first time. It wasn’t intentional and I don’t think we even used the word “value” once in that conversation. Nonetheless, it was the first time I really had to reflect who I am, what I think and how my thoughts come out in my speech and behavior. For instance, I had a tendency of making nasty remarks of homosexuals. And my Friend challenged me to think why - I’ll be forever grateful for that. I soon realized it wasn’t really me who had so much against this minority. Indeed I was just replicating my father’s thoughts. From that moment onwards I changed my thinking, or better yet I started thinking. Don’t get me wrong, homosexuality is not part of my values - we’ll soon learn that it’s not even a value. But “freedom of thought” might already be a value and that - I learned later - is in my value hierarchy, though not in top 5. So, you can safely forget about the baba test.

Why would mama test be flawed then? Isn’t it true that you’d gladly go to your mom and tell her all those good things you believe in? Maybe yes, but you might miss out on something. See, values in themselves are not good or bad, their application is. One can value “power” (I don’t) and if used correctly it can take her far in life and spur one to miraculous achievements. However, one can also misuse power, oppress people around her and become a real tyrant. Is that what you’d like to tell your mother? So, forget about mama test too.

Before giving shape to what values are (at least in this book) lets’ spend a few more thoughts on what they are not. Many people that I’ve trained to think their own values have thought first that values are virtuous - as in mama test - though they’re not. They’ve also said that values are knowledge or skills that you have learned. No, no, no! They are not! Information is what you gather. Knowlede is what you make sense of all the information you have filtered. Skills are the knowledge put into action. Competence is that skill benchmarked to a certain situation. Values have nothing to do with learning. Values have to do with reflection and individual soul-search. They are already there, within, you just need to dig them out and become aware of them.

Without further a due: Values are the most important things in your life - things that dictate your behavior, things that tell you it’s better to act in this way than the other.

1.2.1 What if I value my Cadillac?

Written word can be perilously misleading. Now someone might think “Ok, most important things in my life are my spouse, my house and my job.” Still, they are not values. They are something that you have acquired because of your values. Ask why! Why your spouse is important? “Because he makes good food every day at the right time and keeps my socks in order”. Why is that important? “Because I love to have certain degree of comfort and when things are in order… Ah! Can order be one of my values?” Yes! Touchdown! The house might represent the aforementioned comfort or even stability or safety. The same house means different things for different people. It’s up to you to find out what those important things represent to you, i.e. what are your values. “I get it! For my brother his job is important because it’s the most important place for him to socialize. For me the job is important because I get a bulged paycheck that provides safety and comfort for my family.” Exactly.

If you feel that you value your Cadillac, have the guts to admit it. There’s nothing wrong with it. In Utah they’re marrying llamas. But whether it’s a llama or a Cadillac, remember to ask “why”!

1.2.2 Doesn’t everyone value family and health?

From the very first values exercise I did in a group I’ve been pondering why family is not in my top 5 values. Everyone else had! Am I a bad person not valuing family? No, as said before, everyone values whatever they value and you can’t judge if it’s good or bad, right or wrong. Is it that the grueling experiences due to my parents’ (and later pretty much everyone else’s parents’) divorce has shattered the mere concept of family in my eyes? Maybe, but it seems that values are formed much earlier in life (though I was only nine). Isn’t it so that as a human being one should have the basic need of belonging to a family and later reproducing to have one’s own? Maybe, but now we are talking about basic needs, not values. Even if you did value family ask yourself “why”. If it’s not just a basic need but you really value it, try to find if there’s something else behind it. Try to find out if it’s a lead or lag indicator for you. What? Don’t worry, we come to that soon.

Health is another area often stated by people as one of their core values. Even that doesn’t make it to my top 5 - nowhere near to be honest - though it’s such a common value. Just take a stroll on the street and you’ll notice the health centre ads and gym billboards. Take a look around and you see people jogging or at least buying health food in the local grocery. Still, I would argue, that many of these people might not have health as a value but it’s either a mere basic need or it’s an enabling value (a lead indicator) for something else. For example I have started paying a bit more attention to my health because it supports my real values such as “making an impact”. It’s a tad difficult trying to change the world for better six feet under. Still, for someone it might be a value for its own sake - though could be better reworded “feeling physically great” or something else. These things are highly individual.

1.2.3 Would you value it if you already had it?

Now I have mentioned a couple of times that there is difference between basic needs and values. Though some argue that Maslow was only good in portraying the 1950s middle-class American reality his “need hiearchy” prevails as a source in many scientific - and pseudo-scientific - articles. And who wouldn’t agree that we need to have body warmth, nutrition and shelter before we can concentrate on learning to play violin, i.e. aim for the higher levels of the need hiearcy? But this is so evident in today’s - western - reality that the whole idea of the need hiearchy might be a bit obsolete. Still, for our purposes, bear in mind that certain things that you try to achieve, spend time on or hold important are just basic needs whereas you do have some more individualistic values guiding you through life. Good way to make the distinction is to ask “Would I value this even though I’d already have it?” For instance I couldn’t stop valuing friendship after I had reached a certain number of friends. Nor would I stop valuing personal growth though I’d reach my goal of learning French. If you don’t believe me, just ask my girlfriend if my value of love & affection is easily satisfied as would be the case with basic needs.

1.2.4 Happiness is a bad value