1.5.1 Close Friendships

A small boy called Tomi Astikainen didn’t have many friends. Maybe he was socially incapable of making friends or maybe already at a young age he was unconsciously limiting the number of friends so the quality of those remaining could be higher. I cannot say for sure what the real reason is because I largely believe in what Buddha said that we are not the same person as we were before. But what I do know is that that small boy didn’t take notes of philosophical reflection. Anyways, he had one great Friend. Their worlds were intertwined as they sought to spend as much time together as possible. It was a very loving friendship. Then one day the Friend found other friends whose habits and behavior didn’t fit Tomi’s worldview, and wouldn’t fit even today. The one great Friend that he had had started hanging out with skinheads. For the next 10 years there would be no correspondence between the two. But stil, consciously and unconsciously he longed back to that friendship. Years passed and he continued having just a couple of friends he could rely on. Some grown-ups commented – behind his back – that isn’t it weird that he doesn’t have friends at all. Trying to prove that wrong he tried to socialize more and acquire artificial friendships. They didn’t feel right so he let them go. Along the way he made a couple of good friendships but that was it. Then one day he got back in touch with the Friend of his childhood. When he called him he said: “I can’t believe you’re calling me right now. I was just talking about you to my girlfriend.” After that phone call the friendship has flourished again, and deepened even more.

”Trust between people”, ”social acceptance”, ”interdependence” and ”conversational enjoyment” are just a few values that people might actually mean when they say they value friendship. For me, however, friendship as such is the number one value. It's the mere understanding that a certain person is there for me, no matter what. She has taken me to be part of her life and she's part of mine, always. What matters for me is not the amount of friends that matters but the quality of the friendship as it is.

To become – and remain – close to someone is a process that lasts for lifetime. One needs to reveal certain personal traits, issues and stories early on in the relationship to become a true Friend. But most importantly one needs to be genuinely interested to spend time with her Friend, deepen the relationship and continously connect on the emotional level.

In the ”Close friendships” chapter we'll explore in depth what friendship really is and what different viewpoints one can take to examine friendship as a value.

1.5.2 Making an impact

In my teens I thought over and over again, how I could help others. Then one day I got an idea of blood donation. In some countries they pay for attending a blood drive but in Finland it’s wholly voluntary – they give you juice and cookies though. I’m not a big fan of needles (who is?) so the decision to donate was deliberate and well thought out. After my first donation I felt so good. Still at that time I was writing a diary to my god child – another way of helping others by the way – that I was supposed to give her as a birthday present when she turns 15. (Someone destroyed the diary later on but that’s not relevant right now). I still remember pouring my heart out on that diary – no pun intended – and telling her how great experience it was. Again, this was still time that I had not even heard about the concept of values. Blood donation became a cause that I decided to support, with my own example and by telling to others. I might not be a perfect example of blood donation myself because I’ve made myself uneligible for donation quite a few times – by taking a tattoo, by spending time on malaria-infected areas etc. But that doesn’t lessen the fact that throughout my life I’ve seeked for ways to help others around me, even without knowing that it’s my calling in life.

Having read the opening chapter one could easily argue that this value translates to ”leaving a mark” that is not really a value but one of the basic needs every individual has. Might be, but how would you explain that some of us are writing our thoughts like this and revealing them in public while some might take it as waste of time? How would you explain that some of us pursue an entrepreneurial career where they can call the shots and change the way people behave – maybe generations to come - while some choose to take on a more secure job that ensures steady bread and butter? How would you explain that some of us seek every opportunity to help others while some of us are first and foremost securing their own turf? How would you explain?

My explanation is that for some people ”Making an impact” is an overriding value that dictates their decisions. Some interpret it as ”change”, ”helping others” or maybe even less noble values like ”fame” or ”recognition”. All these are most likely in my value hierarchy but they all miss the point. For me ”making an impact” is a value that drives a life-long process to improve things and support people to change constantly but at the same time build something great that prevails even after me. Thus, this is more than a value for me. It has become my life purpose.

In the ”Making an impact” chapter we'll go more in depth on this philosophy and find out a few good ways to make it happen.

1.5.3 Enjoying the moment

Just recently my sister asked me to tell her 17-year-old son how important it is for him to get a summer job. Semi-reluctantly I agreed. Well, I never did. She came back to me asking why I had not said a thing. I answered bluntly that summer is the best time of the year to just enjoy life. She couldn’t fathom how I could think like this – but didn’t luckily get mad at me. It’s true. In a country very near to the North Pole the winter is long and dark – maybe not that cold anymore, thanks to Al Gore. The nature – including people – comes out of its shell to blossom only for a few months in a year. Why would anyone want to spend that time working? Still, the majority of youth is encouraged to get that valuable working experience every year during those months – and they do. Call it laziness if you wish but I wouldn’t judge my nephew if he wants to enjoy life.

Dr. Samuel Johnson once said ”When making your choice in life, do not neglect to live.” - we'll come to this quote later. Some ten years ago we were discussing forthcoming life style trends in school. Teacher told us that in the near future people start having more and more free time, and we as marketing students will be there fulfilling their needs, wants and desires to enjoy that spare time. Now ten years have passed, but where is that extra time? Who has it? Or could it be so that people are still busy? Are they still in search for that great future?

In 2001 when I became aware of my values I still called this value ”Time freedom” - to be able to decide how I use my time at every moment. On one hand I didn't want to be stressed all the time. On the other hand I didn't want to become bored, ever! In a sense I was sure to withold my right to choose – to choose my job, to choose my company, to choose the activities I'd partake to avoid stress and boredom.

Throughout the process of leading my life with values I realized it's more than that. It's more than avoiding things. It's about proactively creating an environment and a state of mind where I can enjoy each and every moment.

For those of you who are living on the fast lane in search of that amazing future – this chapter offers a few thoughts to slow down, to appreciate simplicity in life and to fully take advantage of the favorable accident we've all faced – being born.

1.5.4 Love & Affection

One particular 19-year old struck me lately with his ability to list his top 5 values just like that – it’s quite uncommon at that age. However, his number one value – according to him – was his girlfriend. I challenged him to think why. I believe values are constant whereas people they are lived through – even you – change over time. Most likely there is something b eneath the surface that makes him state girlfriend as his number one value. For some people it could be “unconditional acceptance”, for others “support” and – believe it or not – for some it can be even “social status”. For me it’s love and affection.

This particular value in my case is not restricted to one person. For sure the “one and onlies” have changed over time, but that’s not what I meant. The affection is something that I seek in all my relationships, be it a friendship, kindred-related or a business relationship. It’s a certain kind of proximity with people, on both mental and physical level. This is something quite uncommon in the Finnish society, where stereotypically both the weather and the people are cold. Joining the global youth organization called AIESEC was a turning point in my life. There it’s ok for people to disregard the social norms because the members come from a hundred countries and there is not one social norm to follow but many. I still remember my first AIESEC conference like yesterday. When we arrived there with my local committee team, our president went and hugged dozens of people – one after another, guys and girls all the same. The first reaction was “What the heck? He’s a Finnish guy. He’s not supposed to hug anyone!” Very soon I realized I have a permission to hug also. That very moment relinquished a hugger in me. Now I don’t need permissions anymore, I’m free to hug anyone regardless of place and situation. Just recently I attended a meeting of another organization – Junior Chamber International – where the people also hugged each other. But there was something wrong in their hugs – I thought. They were “hugs by a yard” as they’d say in Sri Lanka where they serve “tea by a yard” (meaning that the liquid is poured in the cup from about meter above). They shook hands with me – maybe thinking they don’t have a permission to hug a stranger. In a while a waiter came to serve food. He was wearing a t-shirt where it said “Shall we hug?” Believe me the JC people felt awkward when I went and hugged this total stranger. That’s affection for me.

Passion, according to Mahathma Gandhi, is both pleasure and suffering – or maybe pleasure from suffering. This captures pretty well the ambiguous nature of love. The event of falling in love must be one of the greatest feelings in the world. Little by little you take steps to get to know each other more and in the beginning everything is just a bliss. Over the months and years to come you become closer... or drift apart. The ups and downs of a love relationship cannot be separated – one cannot exist without another. Ying & Yang. Day and night. Heaven and hell. Got the point? Being in love with one person – and only one – is a grueling but rewarding process. It's a process without an output – it lasts while it lasts and finally ends when death does us apart... or we decide so.

Ideally one can get loads of affection from a satisfactory love relationship. But affection can spawn from other instances than the partner also. One can find affection in the relationship with close Friends or relatives. Even taking a dog or cat can fulfill – or at least substitute – the value of affection. Touch, body warmth, proximity and other positivities dawn from affection.

Taking a very open and honest approach we'll see how people deal with the aspects of love and affection in the third last chapter.

1.5.5 Personal Growth

I deliberately saved the biggest low in my life for the last. That’s when my parents divorced when I was just nine years old. No matter how big a shock it was in the beginning and how many more struggles it offered later on, it’s also the single event that made me grow as a person. Very early on I had to take responsibility of running the household with my dad – mom being absent. I had to learn how to cope with being different and other kids asking me why my parents had divorced (they don’t ask anymore, just a couple of years later nearly everyone’s parents divorced). It got me thinking. A few years later the thinking process turned into writing – I started writing lyrics, poems and short stories. That provided me with tools to express my thoughts and semi-analytically build a better person out of me. When people read my texts they questioned my thoughts and I had to explain also to myself. This proved to be a powerful method when aftwerwards I decided to start developing myself consciously. Facing the challenges, hardships and disappointments – now largely caused by my own choice to push myself to limits – was easier when I could follow the process in writing. That process is never-ending, but already now I can easily articulate what came out of it, what I have learned and what kind of a person I am nowadays. The choices that I’ve made, and will make, are largely due to the fact that I want to grow as a person. And those choices are guided by the other four values.

Life-long learning and humble attitude towards what we don't know are touted by several leadership gurus, teachers, trainers, managers etc. Indeed, developing oneself is important for anyone to stay vital and progress throughout life while reaching one's goals. Thousands of self-help books have been written over the years – starting with Bible, Quran and the like – and several ways have been introduced to enhance the reader's personal growth. We will not introduce yet another process, but offer some opinions to observe this highly individual phenomenon.

But hey, what's the point in blabbering. This whole book is about personal growth. Let's get it on.