As I said in the commentary for "Naked Dreams That Go Unsaid": if you're going to read the commentary, I'm going to assume you've read the fic. If you haven't read the fic, you have to decide whether you want to read it with or without the warning which contains a whopping big spoiler. Although really, it's not the big spoiler it was for the first one, because I have to assume that people are going to read them in order. Still, you can't be too careful.

So this one.... I wrote it for the same round of the Porn Battle that I wrote "Naked Dreams" for; this time around, my prompt was: "SGA, John/Rodney, touch."

"Dirty Conscience In My Head"

Rodney says nothing about what happened; he doesn't even hint at it or try to get in sly little digs that only John will understand. Then again, he doesn't have to. All he has to do is look at John, his eyes bright with meaning, and John's back, right there with his dick up Rodney's under-aged ass, because the one thing that hadn't changed about Rodney when his body's age reverted to sixteen was his eyes.

One thing I didn't talk about in the commentary for "Naked Dreams" is the whole Porn Battle aspect. While we don't insist on the strict letter of the law regarding the length of the fics, we do work on a pretty tight schedule. So one thing I find I tend to do for Battle fics is the short, info dump intro paragraph. In some cases, it's probably a little expositiony, but here I think it actually works.

What kind of gets me about John here is that he's still trying to excuse Rodney. So he's all "well Rodney's not making a big deal out of it," when of course, Rodney is. Rodney's far from stupid and he's got a pretty good handle on John's guilt level and he knows that he doesn't have to do much of anything to push John's buttons. And of course, he's hating being himself again and realizing that getting just a little of what he wanted is worse than not getting any at all.

Writing these commentaries has made me realize just how fucked up this version of Rodney really is. He's massively insecure about his looks and personality, and he's utterly and totally obsessed with John in a very creepy, kind of stalkery way. And he sort of knows it, because he's not stupid, but he tries to pretend that it's not as bad as it is, because he's also good at fooling himself. In fact, while John has things to loathe about himself, Rodney's actually got more self-loathing going on than John does.

This is a problem for me, but I'll get to that later.

Even when Rodney's not looking at him, when John's in bed futilely chasing sleep, he still flashes back, still sees Rodney's eyes, pining him in place, staring into him as Rodney whispers "Daddy?" And even though he hates himself all the while, John uses that moment to get off, because how can he not? Rodney gave John something he's never allowed himself to have and if he used John in return? Well, that's the price John has to pay.

Because, of course, the whole thing is John's fault. John knows he should have said no, and he didn't and it doesn't matter that Rodney used him, he's a terrible person, particularly because he's still jerking off thinking about it and and and.... *thwaps him* Oh John.

He's sitting in his quarters wondering if it's too high a price when his computer pings softly. Glancing at the screen, he sees a file being uploaded, right past all of his various protections and into his deeply buried private folder.

There's no doubt it's coming from Rodney and the fact that he numbered it in sequence with the other files in that folder just adds insult to injury. It's an .avi file and John stares at it for a long moment wishing he could bring himself to delete it without playing it.

And there's Rodney and for a moment, John allows himself to be angry because really, it's one thing to know that Rodney knows about his kink and another to know that Rodney can and will invade John's private space so easily. I didn't actually realize until I did the commentary for "Naked Dreams" that Rodney not only knew about but had been reading/watching John's porn. In fact, I think there's a good chance he knows John's porn better than John does.

And you know? I have no idea if anyone could hack a computer the way I have Rodney do here. But, hey, it's porn. *handwaves*

A half hour later, he plays it.

Of course he does. Not like there was any need for suspense there. Although if I'd had more time and more room, I'd have shown him working on training schedules or waxing his board or dusting off that weird sculpture/headboard thing all while sneaking peeks at his lap top.

The quality is surprisingly good, but of course it's the subject that has John riveted. Rodney--young, sixteen year old, Rodney--is sprawled out on his bed, the glow of a dozen or more candles making his pale skin gleam. He's jerking off in the showy way the boys--men--in John's pornos do, all glistening lube and slow sweeps of his hands.

"I want to suck you," Rodney says, dragging his tongue across his lower lip. "I'm thinking about it right now, thinking about you kneeling above me and feeding me your dick....

Okay, yeah, I've got nothing here, except, um...guh? This piece, while fraught with their weird tension, is also a little more self-indulgent--well and indulging Certain People as well, and you know who you are--than the first one.

"Not sure even I could take it all in, though; I knew you were big but...." He pauses and his eyes go wide. "It kinda hurt when you had it in me, when you shoved that big dick up my tight ass." Rodney's hand gets more serious, and John knows damn well that this is real now and not just a show.

Rodney is the master of the mixed message here with his "oh it hurt 'cause you're soooo big!" and his jerking off harder. The thing is, I don't really think he got off on the pain of getting fucked for the first time--if it did hurt, which contrary to popular belief, it doesn't always--but he's getting off a) on the memory of John fucking him and b) on the knowledge that John's watching him now.

"And you liked it, you fucking loved it...loved that I was a tight little virgin for you, loved that I look like this." Rodney sweeps his hand down, moving from his sharp chin to his firm throat and then across his slim, hairless chest to one small, pink nipple. "I'm your own, pretty, boy whore and I know you're looking at this, looking at me, wishing you were here right now.

In case you forgot: JAILBAIT! Also, I think I kind of get too self-indulgent here because it might have been a good idea to break in here with what John's thinking instead of just what he's seeing and hearing.

"Would you roll me over and take me that way? Would you spread me open and fuck me hard? Show me what I get for being a tease, treat me like the little slut that I am? You want that? Wanna punish me with your big fat cock? Fuck me while I squirm under you and hold me down if I try to get away?"

Rodney is breathless again, the way he was the other night and John remembers the way he squirmed then, remembers how...how small Rodney had been under him, how he'd whimpered while John fucked him.

And in conclusion, JAILBAIT and self-indulgent writer! But at least we know that John's right where Rodney wants him. Now it's time to bring out the big guns.

"I know you want it and I want it too, wanna feel that big dick of yours." Rodney's hand speeds up. "C'mon...oh God yeah...c'mon and fuck me, Daddy." Rodney comes then and John almost tears the buttons off his fly as he pulls it open, shoves his hand down his pants, and grabs his dick.

And yeah, John knew it was coming but it's still like that roller coaster feeling you get when you get to the moment in the porn where the writer hits your buttons even though you totally knew she was going there because she listed the kink in the summary.

All it takes is two hard yanks and he's coming, eyes open as he stares blindly at the screen. When he can see again, when he's able to pay attention, he realizes that the video is still running. From the screen, Rodney gives him a familiar, crooked smile.

"Sleep well, Colonel."

Okay, I'mma say it here: this Rodney is a manipulative asshole. More that one person has speculated that one of the reasons people were upset by this fic--above and beyond the mock-incest kink--is that Rodney does not come off well here at all. To a certain extent, neither does John, but John's beating himself up over his mistake and his whole kink and we don't get to see Rodney showing any remorse at all.

And also? Oh man, would I so love to see this or "Naked Dreams" or both, remixed from Rodney's POV. I don't think I could do it, but damn,, I'd love to see someone else's take on him.

His stomach twisting, John closes his computer. He already knows that he'll keep the video and it's easy enough to guess that there will be more; he just doesn't know why Rodney's doing it, what Rodney wants.

"I'm so fucked," he mutters and heads for the shower. "Totally, utterly, fucked."

And we end with John mired in both confusion and self-loathing. Rodney doesn't need to punish him for what happened (although John kind of thinks Rodney's doing just that); John's perfectly capable of doing that himself. And he's flailing because all of a sudden, this is intensely personal and that's fucking with his carefully compartmentalized life.

John's got very rigidly defined rules that he's sure keep him from being some kind of horrible menace to society. If he were ever to actually sit down with a very good, kink aware shrink, he'd probably get over himself a little and cut himself some slack. After all, it's not like his kink is all that uncommon and since it's technically not an honest to god fetish where he's simply incapable of having sex without it, he could probably even learn to incorporate into his sex life with some role play with the right partner.

But since it's never been personal before, it's always him and the boys in the porn, he has no idea what to do. Add to that the fact that the boy he had sex with doesn't exist any more and was really just his best friend for whom he has no real sexual feelings but might just care about more than he thinks, and he's lost at sea.

And therein lies my dilemma. I've already talked about how screwed up Rodney is and now John's all fucked up and essentially, I've written myself into a corner. I honestly can't see my way to a happy ending here or even an ending where they can work together as colleagues. The real problem is that Rodney used John, betrayed his darkest secret and broke faith with him as a friend in a way that blows the whole Doranda thing out of the water. And while John hasn't figured it out yet, he will and he will be furious, probably while still blaming himself.

Of course, writing this, I figured a way for them to work it out, but it's a) painfully contrived and b) would probably end up being longer and harder to write than I have the patience for. So yeah, I don't know.

return to Dirty Consci

 

return to Dirty Conscience In My Head

return to Bed of Flames Index

---