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I am not going to state my age, as it may not make my question seem as valid or reasonable. I have been with the same girl for some time now. Before anything became of us I knew there was something about her. We had conversations that lasted 14 hours on the phone only stopping there because the batteries died.
Then after we started going steady for month and a half, and I knew she was the one.
We started talking about marriage and such. We were only going out for three months and I proposed to her. She laughed; thinking it was a joke, so I pretended it was, but later on I did again and she had said yes.
We do not plain to get married for some time and the engagement won’t be public for another year and a half. After we are formally engaged we don’t plan to get married for a few years.
I don’t want to have sex before marriage as I don’t think its right and I don’t know if I would be able to. We do mess around a bit, doing everything up to, but not including sex. (If you can give me any advice on this then please do).
In the time between getting engaged and marriage we are going to collage. We are going to be about an hour and a half away from each other. I would like to know how to keep things going when we will both be away form each other and exposed to other people. I don’t fear that she or I will cheat on the other. I fear other guys may try to take advantage of her, (we both do not do drugs, drink, or party). Is it possible that the distance might affect our love?
Thank you for your help.
Dr. Neder answers:
Your age has absolutely nothing to do with things – it’s your experience that’s important!
To begin with, let’s deal with the point I just made – the experience. This is where everything lies – you have absolutely no experience. You’re very young, you’ve only been with one woman, never had sex, never really even lived and experienced much of anything of the world, dating, relationships, etc., and now you’re engaged. That is a very, VERY bad combination!
Please realize that things are going to change for you and her very dramatically when you two go away to college. Your mind is going to be opened up to new ideas and new experiences. You are going to come back as different people. That’s what going away to college is all about! If you want to stay absolutely the same and not grow – like you’re expecting your relationship to – then don’t go away to college!
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Let me offer some opinions:
First, I personally believe that no person should ever get married as a virgin. Yes, I know that’s against your religious upbringing, but I’m talking about practicalities here. Unless you get neutered, sex is going to be one of the most important aspects of your relationship together as married people. Yet, you’re an absolute beginner – and so is she! What tools are you two going to use to build your sex life? Are you going to buy a book or something?
Sex can make or break any relationship – just ask anyone that has had sex! Why do you think your church and family put such a huge emphasis on it? Because they know how powerful it is! What’s really tragic is that they believe you shouldn’t have any knowledge about it, and should just be thrust right into the middle of it all, hoping you’ll find your way. That’s just stupid!
You’ve never been in any other relationship other than this one. How do you know that this is everything it should be? Just because you feel good doesn’t mean that you’ll always feel good. What’s going to happen when you meet new women? These women are going to be interesting to you as well. If you make it through your college experience without being around other women, (you’re going to an all-men’s college for instance), you’re still going to change! You’ll still be around other men that have different experiences than you do – and so will she.
Tom, I’m not anti-marriage. I AM anti-stupidity and anti-ignorance, however. The only way to really know if you’re making the right choices – and how to deal with things that aren’t right is experience. How do you even know if you and your girlfriend are sexually compatible? Being best friends doesn’t tell you this!
Further, how do you know if you’re with the right woman? Sure, she’s the right woman now because you don’t know any other ones! She’s going to get the same eye-opener that you’re getting right now. How is she going to know that you’re the right guy for her?
Let’s say that you go away to college and come back as different people (which you will – there’s no other way around it, and that by the way is a good thing!). You can decide that you’re going to get married even then (and many people do).
I believe that there’s a better choice. This better choice is also much more difficult, but it is based in reality: First, break off the engagement because it isn’t realistic. Don’t try to get married before you leave and then hope to stay in that commitment while you’re away at school.
Go away to college and agree that you and she will remain friends. But while you’re away, collect the experiences that college will give you and become a better man (and she, a better woman) for it. Don’t hide from these experiences – many will be great, and many will not be so great – but embrace them all and see yourselves in a “state of becoming” the people you will ultimately be.
Then, after college is over, agree to get back together and see if your new personas fit as a couple. If they do, you’ll have a winning combination. If not, you’ll have avoided the biggest mistake of your lives!
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